the thoughts and aspirations of a wannabe


In A few of my favorite things on December 7, 2010 at 1:35 am

Emergency post. Alright, not really, that just means I didn’t edit this at all and I’m really pissed and need an outlet that’s not Facebook because Dale Carnegie said no one wants to hear you complain. So I’ll complain here, to those who choose to listen.

I just checked my APUSH grade, which has gone down four per cent because of a test that I thought I did well on. Probably one of the most frustrating emotions, I’m sure others can sympathize with, yes? I am absolutely busting my ass in my AP U.S. History class. I lose all kinds of sleep over it, I take fifteen pages (not an exaggeration) of notes for every single chapter, I drank three cups of coffee and read aloud to myself each of the three chapters until the wee hours of the morning to prepare for my last test, made several timelines that covered the Antebellum period (because it apparently it never actually FETCHING ends) and NONE of this is translating to my grade.

Someone just told me that I shouldn’t feel entitled to certain grades just because I study. Bullshit. I don’t just study, I overstudy. I would like a little credit for the fact that I am killing myself over this class. And now I sound like Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada at the part where Nigel tells her to suck it up and that she’s fat.

But this class is not Miranda Priestly. Miranda Priestly has a magazine to put together every single month and if she wasn’t a hardass, nothing would get done. I respect that. However, whether or not my APUSH teacher chooses to make my life a living hell, the only person it will affect is me. Whether to grade my essays as if I’m majoring in Document-Based Essays and minoring in Mind-Reading at Princeton University, or whether to grade them as if I am an AP student putting absolutely everything into this class, is his choice.

It’s junior year. It’s time to get serious. The problem is, I’ve been “serious” my entire high school career, but my grades have never been perfect like I’ve wanted them to be. Like I am never be able to say to my mother without sparking a scream-a-thon (because she will assume that I am simply being too negative to see the positivity in my grades), I’m not “naturally” smart. I can’t just whip a 50/50 essay out of my ass. I can’t just “wing” something and have it go remotely okay. And I’m learning more than ever, that my lack of natural academic savvy is just going to keep biting me in the ass, because those are the types of people who seem to be getting A’s in this class. If this is just AP U.S. History, how the hell am I supposed to get through college?

I began this year telling myself I would get A’s in all my classes. I won’t take anything but A’s. My mom was yelling at me last month because I was upset that I had A minuses. Yeah, she was mad at me for not being happy about A minuses.

I hate hearing about people who have four-points. I try not to compare myself to other people because it makes me miserable, but the fact that other people are going to bed at reasonable hours and still doing exceptionally shows me 1) it’s possible, so I have no excuse to not have perfect grades, and 2) there’s probably something wrong with me.

All I want to do is be like Heather. She was so fantastic and good at everything. How did she do that? Why can’t I do that? I honestly think about Heather and Sarina every single day, and how much I look up to them–they are the people I aspire to be. I want to be kind and touching and influential like Sarina, and I want to be vibrant and an academic powerhouse like Heather. I wish I was doing a better job of that.

And because my rule is end every negative post with solutions to the problem, here we go.

  1. Honesty is the best policy–one of my strongest beliefs. Too often, kids my age hide what they’re thinking and it always creates a mess–but I suppose that’s a post for another day. I’m going to talk to my APUSH teacher and tell him what I’m feeling, but without condemning he teaching style and not as many swear words…
  2. I’m going to drink another cup of coffee and finish what I’m supposed to do tonight, because that’s all I have control of right now.
  1. 1) I love you so much.
    2) You are an inspiring and good person to me. I also think you’re smart. And if you give it a little time I bet APUSH will get a lot better.
    3) No need to worry…I took the class…APUSH was harder than college. Seriously.

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